April 30, 2007 | Filed under: I Write About My Feelings

Reasons why I hate myself today:

• I am at work. On my day off. And today is not just in a come-in-in-jeans-and-get-caught-up-on-some-work day, it’s a wear-a-suit-and-sit-in-meetings-all-day day.
• I have this damn song stuck in my damn head. And it’s my own damn fault.
• I am being nice to someone who totally does not deserve it. This aggravates me to no end. But, rather than, I don’t know, actually pulling the trigger and ending things once and for all, I continue to be nice, all the while stewing in righteous indignation over the injustice of it all. So fun! So healthy!
• And then? That someone does something good and redeeming and I hate myself for thinking evil thoughts and generally being a bitch about things. So fun! So healthy!
• I ate half a container of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream yesterday. It wasn’t even that good. What a waste of 500 calories.
• My stupid fucking cervix has decided it needs extra fucking attention, a-fucking-gain, so after yet another trip to the doctor tomorrow, I will be spending the afternoon curled up in a ball on the couch, drinking vodka tonics (tonic optional) until I forget where I am. Care to join me?
• I’m running 13.1 miles on Saturday. Kill me now.

April 19, 2007 | Filed under: Boys Are Dumb, DC! DC! DC!, I Write About My Feelings

Oy. I’ve been trying to find a way to describe my attitude today, but haven’t stumbled on quite the right sentiment yet. It’s something like this, combined with a healthy dose of this. Plus a heaping scoop of “none of this should really surprise me anymore” cynicism. Maybe this does my attitude justice.

They say bad things happen in threes, and I’ve got a streak of 2-in-24-hours going, so let’s go, Universe, bring on that last one, please, I don’t feel like waiting around until next week.

(This seems to be quite the trend, doesn’t it? Go to DC, watch life take a quick turn toward the shitter. It’s a magical city, I tell you. Fucking magical.)

Anyway… Happy thoughts! Work’s great, they all love me, I managed to put out some fires this week that needed dealing with, yada yada yada. Also, I’m having a fabulous time on the social circuit, and can’t wait for tonight’s fun. (Ladies, I’m happier in person, I swear!) And I feel like a real human being today, as opposed to the embalmed-with-vodka thing I had going on yesterday, so things are off to a great start today. We’ll see how long that lasts…

March 22, 2007 | Filed under: I Write About My Feelings

I am determined to have one good day this week, and I actually thought it would be today. Things were looking good, my work was progressing, if not at the speed I wanted, but least everything was under control and life was moving in the right direction.

Then I checked my e-mail and realized, no, actually, today we will continue our descent into the Land of Suck. The pair of tens I’d been holding suddenly looked pretty paltry compared to the full house the guy to my left had. Mother. Fucker.

It wouldn’t be so bad, except that it’s pretty bad, and yet, I know we haven’t hit rock bottom yet. You see, I’ve visited the Land of Suck before, and there is plenty lower to go, my friend. The Land of Suck Visitors’ Bureau does a lovely job making sure everyone gets a full tour of the place, and I’ve only just begun.

A visual representation for you:

where the solid blue line represents the last couple of weeks, the dashed blue line is where we have left to go, and the level at which I’d prefer to be functioning lies somewhere north of the chart, um, up near the title of this post.

Still, one good thing was going to happen today, if it killed me, dammit! And, lo, driving back from the pharmacy (because what else could salvage a crappy day like the chance to deal with a medical bureaucracy?) I noticed that the seatbelt alert light, the one that flashes at me constantly despite my being solidly buckled in and I have just gotten used to its presence because I’m not paying someone to open up the entire dashboard for a silly little light (though if it dinged at me constantly, that would be an entirely different matter), why, the light was magically off! And it stayed off, even when I unbuckled my seatbelt while the car was moving! There you have it: my one good thing today, and it really is gonna kill me.

I should know better than to have high hopes for the weekend, but, ever the optimist, I do. I’m headed to Monterey and Carmel-by-the-Sea, where there will be wine and beaches and wine and visiting with Danielle and wine and pretty scenery and wine and local vineyard tours where maybe they will serve us some wine. I’ll let you know how their hospitality stacks up to that of the Land of Suck.

March 21, 2007 | Filed under: Because They Pay Me, I Write About My Feelings

I figured out the other night, sitting in yet another Junior League meeting out of which I got nothing, that 90% of my time is taken up by work and, try as I might, I cannot cram into the remaining 10% everything else — running, skiing, blogging, relationships of all stripes, keeping the damn house clean — and it frustrates me to no end to know that I cannot do it all. I started training for that half marathon last week, and how many days did I last until work interfered with a scheduled workout? Eight. Eight days, and that includes two weekends.

Work is crazy and all-consuming and there’s no travel money so I’ll be in DC again, like, never and even if I am, I will have no friends left and there are people with information who are not calling me and I am not allowed to call them and all I want to do right now is string them up by their toenails and beat them like a piñata and I will be stuck in this shit hole forever and ever and, with Monday night’s workout needing to be made up for tonight, all I wanted to do was go for a run and then it was raining, so I had to go to the gym but everyone wanted to get to the gym and all I really needed to do was get there five minutes ahead of other people and then I could have a treadmill, but noooo, stupid traffic in the stupid rain took stupid 45 minutes to travel what should have been a 20-25 minute route and all the treadmills were taken and I was relegated to this horrible treadclimber piece of crap that I just barely know how to work and, god, doesn’t life just suck on sixteen different cylinders?

* * *

I had dinner with a friend from Junior League and we talked about life and work and what brought me to California in the first place, and at the end of the meal, we were served fortune cookies. Mine read, “Do it because you love it,” and I laughed because, really? Am I not the last person on earth who needs to hear that message?

* * *

All of the past few days weeks of stress and angst bubbling just below the surface (ok, and sometimes above the surface, too) and the nettlesome, malcontent version of myself could fairly well have been predicted, as the calendar led up to today, Wednesday, March 21 — the second anniversary of my tenure here. There will be no flowers, no chocolate cake, not even a raise awaiting me at the office today. But at least I can be certain that I do it because I love it, and that’s something.

* * *

UPDATE: Oh, if wishes were horses… But, no. Today pretty much picked up where the last few weeks left off, which is to say, the seventeenth level of suckage. Something tells me my dinner tonight will consist of vodka and tonic and not much else.

February 3, 2007 | Filed under: I Write About My Feelings

There’s no mood so bad that it can’t be improved
by a new pair of shoes.