November 28, 2008 | Filed under: Is She Still Talking?, The Fam

I noticed this my first night home — plastered to the inside of the door that leads from the kitchen to the garage. I was a bit concerned that this display of private activism was perhaps not the most effective, but was assured that this is the magnet’s retirement home, after its stint on Dad’s car for the last several weeks.

Step 1: Stand on front porch.
Step 2: Grip stick or cane in one hand.
Step 3: Raise arm.
Step 4: Shake arm vigorously.
Step 5: Switch arms and repeat steps 1-4.

Note: This exercise is most effective when neighborhood teenagers are present. Muttering under one’s breath is recommended.

Oh, sure, they tell recovering heart patients to grip this to their chest when coughing or sneezing to reduce the pressure on the sternum, but secretly I think it’s a “scared straight” program in the works. “Here! Have a pillow that shows all the arteries that lead away from your heart! Try not to ruin any of them, OK?” This may be the creepiest thing I have ever seen, and I used to work in a medical library. I’ve seen some f-ed up shit.

This isn’t the half of it. (Not pictured: lemon bars, gingersnaps, and oatmeal molasses cake with lemon topping.) Not to worry, they are all going to the cookie walk at church in a couple weeks, to be foisted upon other people’s waistlines.

Uh, this one we ate. See all those apples? Fruit is good for you! Stop looking at me like that.

1. kat says:
   

   OK, once I saw the cookies I could think of little else. I’m a pig. What can I say?! Personally, I find standing in the frame of my office door at work waving a cattle prod proudly from side to side gives me plenty of exercise! It also gets me my way! What more could I ask for?

   December 3rd, 2008 at 3:59 pm
2. Superfantastic says:
   

   I. Want. That. Pie.

   December 4th, 2008 at 5:45 pm