June 5, 2007 | Filed under: I Write About My Feelings, People I Like Even More Than My Job
You know, if you don’t want to run again, I respect that. But if you don’t run because you think it’s gonna be too hard or you think you’re gonna lose, well, God, Jed, I don’t even want to know you.
A while back I had dinner with my friend Danielle and, as we put back a bottle of wine, we discussed our respective career plans and personal life exploits and hatched plots to Escape from
Of course, in looking ahead to the future, we also analyzed the past — what worked, what didn’t, how we ended up where we are. About her selection of undergrad majors, she said, “Everyone said it was hard, so I was going to do it.”
And in that one moment, our eight years of friendship suddenly made a lot more sense.
I don’t know that I choose things simply because they’re hard, but I certainly don’t shy away from things that are challenging. (See, e.g.,: moving to
I really don’t mind new challenges, but what is driving me nuts is the seeming endlessness of the quest. The pursuit of a goal, without any intermediate victories to sustain me, my god, it is soul-sucking. It makes me question whether the pain is really worth it. It makes me wonder if I shouldn’t stop with the banging-head-against-a-brick-wall lifestyle.
I expressed some of my doubts to Danielle, explained why my pursuits are nearly in vain, why perhaps I should focus on a slightly more attainable goal — like single-handedly curing cancer — rather than continue headlong down this endless path of futility, how I have to come to terms with the fact that maybe things aren’t going to work out for me like I want them to.
She looked at me, and asked pointedly, “But you’re not giving up, right?”
And the thing is, for all my doubts (not doubts in my abilities, mind you, doubts that The Universe will come through for me) and all my pragmatic thinking and the reminders that maybe I won’t get what I want, I.Will.Not.Give.Up.
So. What’s next?
Posted by Daily Tragedies @ 5:59 am | Make a Comment
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Good for you. Winston Churchill would be proud.
June 5th, 2007 at 11:11 amthis post reminded me of our conversation the last time you were here….and of the training session on the porch
June 5th, 2007 at 2:44 pmDude, as if.
I’ve known you a matter of months and even I say “c’ha.”
June 5th, 2007 at 7:05 pmMaybe a different challenge? One with a few more small victories along the way?
June 6th, 2007 at 9:48 amWhat’s going to happen when what you want finally materializes? Will you stop banging your head against the wall? Of course not. You’ll just find something else to go after. Something new to want. Some different excuse to focus your energy in another direction. That’s the way you’re wired.
But if you’re not happy with the way your life is going why would you keep doing the same things that got you to that place? If you want to see the Packers play you could drive to Oakland every Sunday. Sure, you may eventually get to see the Green and Gold when they’re in town to play the Raiders, but if you *really* want to see the Packers play, try driving to Green Bay instead. Not driving to Oakland wouldn’t be “giving up”, you would just be finding a new route to certain happiness.
To further this football analogy, let’s say you do drive to Green Bay every weekend and do get to see the Packers play. Would you be happy with that? Or would you want to see them in the playoffs? Would you be happy with that? Or would you demand a championship? Then two championships? Then a three-peat? When does it end? When do you finally sit back and say “ahhhh, now I can relax”? The fact is, you can’t control whether or not they win the Superbowl. Hell, even Brett Favre can’t control that. The point is, maybe you need to stop and smell the roses along the way? Maybe things like enjoying the ride to Wisconsin instead of racing to beat the traffic, or cheering on your team instead of conducting business on your blackberry the whole time, or noticing the wonderment on the little kids face who is at his first Packers game instead of complaining that you don’t have your own kids to take are the *real* rewards in life.
Life isn’t about one big pay off, it’s about the journey along the way. Pay more attention to what you do have, and what you have accomplished, and you may feel better about your life and where you are.
Does any of that make sense to you? That’s the way I try to look at things when I’m feeling the way you just described … which is a lot of the time. But what do I know, I’m just a baker …
June 6th, 2007 at 11:55 amWhy try and escape Cali? It gets better all the time. For example, the friendly neighborhood Albertson’s has recuntly begun to stock Leinie’s Sunset Wheat. (Christmas in June for yours truly) Take that DC!! Ha!!
June 17th, 2007 at 5:52 pm