July 6, 2006 | Filed under: Uncategorized

OK, so I know all of you were duly impressed by the accuracy of that last description. I suggest you keep it on hand to analyze whatever puzzling wack-job totally natural behavior I may display in the future. (Feel free to apply the info retroactively, as well, such as to analyze last week’s foray into The Land of the Crazy.)

Mr. Numerology goes on to discuss, based on the spelling of my complete name, as stated on my birth certificate, my “expression” and my “soul urge.” (Expression is computed based on one’s full name; soul urge is calculated using only the vowels.)

Upon reading these descriptions, I’ve come up with the following hypotheses: (1) The guy is nuts. (2) I’m completely ignoring my natural talents and abilities, not at all following my soul’s urge, and should remedy that soon. (3) My parents gave me the wrong name.

You decide.

Also, because I enjoy making things interactive, please select your favorite sentence from the descriptions below and leave it in the comments, along with an analysis as to why it does or does not suit me. And by “favorite sentence” I of course mean “most presposterous/actually made me spit out the coffee I’m drinking sentence.”

Your Expression — Your Potential Natural Talents and Abilities

You are a secret rebel and a loner preferring the company of your brilliant thoughts and fantastic daydreams to the company of other people. You are incredibly spiritually sophisticated and this creates an odd air of detachment to your personality.

You tend to express yourself in a very blunt manner to others simply because you are not a big believer in wasting time with niceties. You tend to not express yourself well through your facial expressions or body language although you can be quite eloquent with words. You do not say much but when you do say something it is usually acutely observant or very enlightening.

To you the ultimate expression of your higher self lies within the mysteries of science, nature and the occult. Most number 7s tend to be interested in all three topics. Many are mathematicians, naturalists, anthropologists, historians or priests.

The virtues of solitude appeal to you most as it allows you the peace and acres of time that you need to investigate your favorite subjects. Even if you have never gone to school you probably have the equivalent of a Ph.D in some kind of esoteric or scientific subject. An important part of your self-expression is the ability to be able to pass this knowledge onto a willing enthusiast or student one day.

You are also likely to choose a romantic partner that shares your intellectual passions. As you are so quirky it takes a very special person indeed to understand your complex body language and need for a lot of personal space. Usually when you do find a partner that understands you, you are so grateful, that you become loyal for life.

Although you make a great teacher, you do not necessarily make a good parent. This is because a child’s curiosity often competes with your own child-like need to be inquisitive and live in a fantasy world.

You are very logical and in terms of your personal tastes, believe that beauty is a matter of form following function. You are also a perfectionist so much of what you own will probably be the very best or state of the art. You should be well able to afford this as your deeply analytical and logical mind also often lends you a talent for investing money. Although you like owning the best on the market you are not the type to show off. You tend to hide your wealth from others as well as you hide your other secrets. This is partly an attempt on your part to see if an individual likes you for you.

You are very uncomfortable with expressions of emotion and often avoid “feeling your feelings.” Many of you may equate relationships with the idea of pain or as an element that could potentially throw you off your balance or defocus you from your “real work.” Sometimes your emotions are manifested through illness as you have a tendency to stash all of your feelings, especially the painful ones such as resentment, to the back of your subconcious where they fester for years.

You are also prone to obsession if you let your feelings somehow become the focus of your life. The challenge of some number sevens is to distinguish the difference between how they feel about a situation and the reality of it.

Your reverence for the mysteries of the universe makes you an adamant seeker of truth. Your search for an ideal society or a spiritual epiphany makes you more vulnerable than other numbers to the influences of cults or religious leaders.

Your Soul Urge — What You Desire To Be, To Have, and To Do In Your Life

The highest expression of your soul’s urge is to connect in a mystical way with others. Although your aspirations are lofty, you are also a humanitarian who is often gifted with a sharp intuition and keen analytical skills. Often you give up opportunities that should be yours, simply to help another. This is because your faith in yourself, god and the future is so strong that you live by your conviction that the universe is always unfolding as it should.

Others simply do not possess your spiritual sophistication and may be amused or repelled by what they see as your irrational talk or beliefs. You may be accused of being stupid or foolish simply because you won’t take the bait (of a job or money) at the expense of your ethics. Compared to the other numbers, you excel at letting go of lovers or opportunities simply because you know you can’t take emotions and material goods with you when you die.

As you are driven more by compassion than common sense, you are the first to fall on your sword for a worthy cause. You may often be broke because you see money only as a tool of change. You would much rather spend money on art, charity or a trip. In fact, ostentatious displays of wealth anger and disgust you because your ideal is a world where all humans are equal.

You might appear very eccentric to others who don’t quite understand your fascination with the spiritual world or your insistence on being a seeker of truth. Furthermore nines tend to get carried away when it comes to trying to heal or connect to others. The biggest mistake you could make is to try and be an “agent of karma” by meddling or interfering in other people’s affairs.

As you are so talented psychically, you often become a liability in business simply because people in authority resent your ability to perceive their secrets. You rarely rise very high on the corporate ladder simply because others see you as a threat to their cloak of political intrigue.

You have a soul that must be continually assured and fed with new sources of spiritual information. To stay healthy, your psyche may require that you make special trips to holy or mystical places. You may have to seek out special teaching to help you understand and cultivate your talents so that you are in control, as opposed to terrorized by them. Being able to foresee the future or see through other people is often painful, so some therapy might be required in your life to help you detach from your own sensitivity.

One of the sins you are most vulnerable to is spiritual pride. This can bring you situations that cause your faith to be seriously tested or where your pride can take a big fall. Many nines often find themselves subject to a lesson in becoming humble by the cosmos simply because they were too boastful of their talents. Making money off of your psychic talents may also cause you some problems, as part of your path is to heal without the expectation of reward. If you are working professionally as a psychic and are a nine, then remember to tithe at least one tenth of your earnings towards a worthy cause. However the highest calling of your soul urge is to share your intuitive talents for free.

July 5, 2006 | Filed under: Uncategorized

Against my better judgment, I clicked on a link, put in a bunch of personal info and was given the following glimpse at my life. (Of course, there’s much, much more to be discovered, if I just sign up here with my credit card…) All this, just from knowing the date of my birth!

I laughed. I cried. I wondered how, exactly, does one become a numerologist and how good’s the pay?

Your Life Path of 4 …

You are a trustworthy, practical and down to earth individual who places ethics above materialism and greed. You are a humanist at heart, and your life path focus is usually related to manifesting the greater philosophical ideals into practical reality. For this reason your expectations of yourself and others are unusually high.

You are a doer, more than a talker and nothing annoys you more than an individual that does not follow through on what he or she says he is going to do. You don’t suffer fools gladly and have no problem swiftly eliminating people who you consider being a liability from your life. You especially have no tolerance for silly, neurotic or shallow people.

One of the problems of being a four is that you expect others to be of demanding of themselves as you are of yourself. It is painful for you to realize that others simply don’t have the same perseverance, dedication and devotion to improving the world that you do. Many 4’s are also extremists, tending to be very right wing or very left wing in their thinking.

Your incredible stamina, perseverance and will power allow you to accomplish ten times the amount of work that anyone else can in one day. Others often realize this about 4 and take advantage of your almost superhuman qualities. Your organization and planning skills are exemplary and for that reason you are a fantastic strategist, administrator, project manager. You are a perfect example of how “slow and steady wins the race.”

However, it is part of your life path to learn how to delegate responsibility and let others take care of themselves every now and then! Many 4’s are unhappy campers by the end of their lives simply because they chose the path of the hard-working martyrs while others reaped the benefits of all of their pioneering work. To avoid this you should always spare yourself the trouble of always making things right and let others be accountable for their own mistakes.

Often your tenacity and strong will is perceived as stubbornness. Fours often don’t make good leaders as others see them as too autocratic and demanding. Of all of the numbers, you are most prone to such disorders as obsessive compulsive disorder and being addicted to perfection. The plus side of this is that many of you own dream homes that are spic and span from top to bottom. You are also an excellent landscaper and interior decorator.

You choose your friends and business partners wisely and function best in a team of two. You may have few close friends during your lifetime but the ones that you do have are loyal for life. You are dependable and trustworthy and more willing than most people to sacrifice what you have for greater good of all. Those who witness this are often touched by your kindness.

You are enraged by any type of social injustice and can be quite outspoken about politics, religion or ethics. Although your intentions are good, it is also one of your life challenges to learn to be tolerant of other’s beliefs and opinions.

As the number 4 is associated with the earth element and the four elements you are the most grounded of all of the numbers. This makes you an excellent parent and provider. You usually marry early in life and because of your conscientiousness about money are quite wealthy by the end of your days. You also love animals and will probably enjoy the company of many pets during your lifetime.

July 3, 2006 | Filed under: Uncategorized

I flipped the page on my calendar this week and made a shocking discovery: It’s July.

JULY. JU.LY. You know, that month that signals the beginning of the third quarter.

Crap.

Halfway through the year, and there’s so much I haven’t accomplished! Namely:

1. Filing my taxes.

2. Sculpting a body to rival Rebecca Romijn’s.
3. Figuring out how to be reimbursed by my insurance company for the last six months’ worth of prescriptions.
4. Becoming a generally happier and less-stressed person. (#3 isn’t helping the endeavor any.)
5. Reading the seventy thousand books on my bookshelf just waiting for me to have some “free time.”
6. Finalizing plans for world domination.

Filed under: Uncategorized

I had a busy weekend here, filled with exciting things like cleaning the bathroom! and doing laundry! and itemizing exactly what clothing I will drop off at Goodwill so I can accurately deduct its fair market value on next year’s tax return! (Apparently I have previously been assigning “garage sale value” to my donations, as I think a shopping bag full of clothes is worth about $2 and Turbo Tax thinks that one shirt is worth more than $2. I decided I like Turbo Tax’s math better, so I’m actually documenting this year’s closet-cleaning endeavors, lest the IRS think I’m trying to cheat them out of $100 worth of taxable income.)

But the most exciting moment of the weekend — more exciting than discovering that my mop, which I haven’t used in weeks because the mop head is tearing into pieces, thus rendering it rather ineffective as a cleaning tool, doesn’t have a replaceable mop head, so the replacement mop head I bought is utterly useless until I buy a new mop, and why is it that I’ve purchased at least one new mop for every rental property I have lived in since the dawn of time? Am I really that hard on my mops? Is it asking too much to expect a mop to come with a replaceable mop head? And for the replacement mop head to be easily procured at one’s local discount retailer a few months later? Do mop heads go out of fashion that quickly??? — was when I put an end to the make-out session taking place in the middle of Banana Republic.

The two lovebirds in question were approximately 16 and did not at all appear to be your typical Banana Republic shopper. That is to say, neither of them was a married woman in her early 30s, accompanied by children under the age of six. (Admittedly, many of these women are probably not yet 30, but in my little world no one under the age of 30 has children; therefore, I get to make these women older than they are. I’m sure they love me for it.) Romeo and Juliet apparently thought they were in the back of a very dark movie theatre, not standing in the middle of a well-lit store next to a table full of v-neck sweaters on sale for $24.99. Ahem. Customers were visibly distracted by this not-at-all-discreet public display of affection, and I do believe that if someone had been forward enough to yell “Get a room!” in their general direction, several customers would have applauded.

As Romeo and Juliet had not yet noticed the incredulous stares from customers and BR staff alike, and thus were not shamed into putting an end to their grope-fest, SOMEONE had to act. (These two had parts touching that I didn’t even know existed until um, well, certainly not during high school, that’s for sure.) By virtue of the fact that I was the closest and, let’s face it, most appalled staff member, that someone was me.

I put on my best Mom Voice (I don’t mean “the voice I will use as a mother,” I mean, I channeled MY MOTHER’S calm, patient, I work with ten-year olds all day, I’m not yelling at you so much as explaining why your actions are inappropriate at this given moment and maybe we could find some other way to express our love for one another, hmm? voice) and reminded them that they were in a public place, with, you know, small children around, and that this really wasn’t appropriate. Perhaps you should go next door, to Forever 21? (All right, so I didn’t say that last part.)

Much to my surprise, they looked mildly embarrassed. And didn’t give me any crap about the interruption or what’s the big deal or why you up in my face, bitch? (Oh yes, you should come to the mall. It’s FUN. It’s also a weekly reminder that my children will not be allowed to leave the house before they are 35, unless it’s to go to church or the library. School? Um, no. We’ll have someone brought in for that.)

My disgust at this kind of behavior is nothing new. But calling strangers out on it and being taken seriously? That is novel. Which led me to wonder…When, exactly, did I become an old lady??? (Answer: 1978. Shut up.)